a play in one act, for your amusement
Setting: 5 a.m. Friday. The sun has not yet risen. A cool spring breeze flows gently through my bedroom, where Darling Husband and I sleep to the melody of robin-song.
Smoke Detector 1: Let me sing you the song of my people
Smoke detectors 2-infinity: We will sing with you, brother
I rise and stumble downstairs to listen to the glorious chirping
Unfortunate Puddle: Let me bathe your feet in cold dog urine. All the girls are doing it.
I fumble for the mop and spray bottle and clean a bazillion square feet of wood floor
Unfortunate Puddle: I shall return!
Smoke Detectors (all): Chirpety chirp squeak squeal!
I take matters into hand
Smoke Detector Eleventy: I weep for for your ignorance as you tear me from my hearth and home. SDE screams in mighty agony
All the other smoke detectors wail in disbelief. The children wake and begin to cry. I mercilessly storm through the house, pulling down smoke detectors and gently stacking them for later battery replacement
Smoke Detector The Last: I will sing intermittently and at random, in mourning for my family. You.Will.Not find me.
I spend 20 minutes searching for the last smoke detector and finally find it in the unfinished basement
Me: AHA! Gotchu, fucker!
Unfortunate Puddle: I'm ALLIIIIVVVEEEE! Let me shower your hand and arm with dog urine, filtered through the floorboards above. All the girls are doing it.
I throw the soaked detector in the trash and mop myself with paper towels as I head to the shower
On-Demand Hot Water Heater: Poor girl, let me shower you with delightful hot water. Better?
ODHWH: PRANK! switches instantly to ice water
Alarm Clock: Wakey, wakey rise and shine! Are we ready for another GREAT day?