Friday, January 11, 2013
I've been feeling a little (well, a LOT) overwhelmed for the past couple of months. I'm embarrassed about that because I'm only working part-time. I look at the moms who work and are good parents and STILL keep their houses clean. I'm "just" a housewife. The critical part of my head tells me I should be able to do a better job with everything, and that I am failing at most of it. I'm barely keeping up with general cleanliness around the house (yesterday I discovered a dried lake bed of dog urine hidden under a table and still haven't gotten it all cleared off, bleached, and mopped up) even with all the time I have.
A friend recently mentioned that the most abusive relationship she's ever been in is with herself. She would never tolerate anyone "real" being as critical and unsupportive, as downright hurtful, as she is to herself. I've been thinking about that a lot. This morning, as I switched from email replies to typing minutes to website administration to cleaning the kitchen I paused. First I berated myself for not concentrating on and actually finishing something. Then I took a step back and marvelled at just how many things I was trying to do at once. Finally I decided to write down the names of the various hats I wear on a regular basis. Here's what I came up with:
- Girl scout troop leader
- School webmaster
- Property manager for 9 houses
- PTA volunteer
- CSC representative (secretary)
- Part time employee (3 days/wk)
Then I added the things I spend time on but don't really consider a "job"
- Student (or at least trying to be)
- housekeeper (dishes, laundry, cleaning)
- calendar keeper/social directory
- cook (at least 10 prepared meals a week for 4, plus packing lunches for three 5 days a week)
- emerging athlete (so it's a stretch. At least I'm trying!)
- teacher (to my kids)
- random tasks assigned by W
- webmaster for W's business
For today at least I have decided that the criticism being spouted by the abuser in my head is utter nonsense. Sure, there's dog hair in every corner of the house. And yes, I do spend more time than is prudent farting around on social networking sites. But I do measure up (even if it is a short ruler).